mistress_onixx's Xanga

I'm Baack (You Know You Missed Me)!

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:20:28 GMT

You Are the 1960s

You are a liberal minded, progressive, and caring person. You believe in love.
You appreciate the dynamic days of the 1960s, when people truly wanted to change the world.

You believe in justice and equality for all. You can't rest until everyone in the world is treated fairly.
You are willing to stand firm for what you believe in, even if no one else is standing with you.

What Decade Are You?

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

Yeah, I've kinda been on hiatus for awhile, following some internal and external conflicts which I think are on their way to being resolved. I'm starting to learn that as much as I like my solitude and adore the internet, I shouldn't let it wall me off from the rest of my family, and that I ought to make more of an effort to reach out to them. I'd like to maybe have a friend or two in real life, not just online. I'm battling an RP addiction, and was not on IMVU for two nights and contrary to what my subconscious was screaming at me, Epicene didn't even comment when I logged on last night for a session. I have to stop worrying so much about offending people I don't know well (not that I should be horrible to them, but I'm sure you know what I mean) and start worrying more about staying grounded and more in reality with my family and sweetheart. It's true that I generally have my head in the clouds and am always imagining, thinking, and philosophizing, but I can still stay in touch with the rest of the world. I think I've been experiencing such stagnation lately because my subconscious is telling me it's time to move on with my life, get a place with Jay, and start to live more like an adult. That, however, is not currently possible (trying to save up money and such), so I think that's why I've been turning to fantasy and RP; it's a means to make me feel I'm progressing at something, while reality is frustrating. Wow, I'm really turning into an armchair psychologist here! Wish me luck on my endeavors!

Crazy Birthday

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:34:24 GMT

You Are Medium-Skinned

You can be sensitive at times, but that's totally normal.
Your sensitivity means you can be empathetic and compassionate, even if you're a bit thin-skinned.

You take what people think into account but you try not to let it get to you.
It's hard not to take things personally, but you do your best.

Are You Thin Skinned or Thick Skinned?

It's Dave's 21st birthday today and things are heating up and getting crazy. The day started off pretty sedately heading to Grandma and Grandpa's where we ate cake and pizza- Dave had already had his first legal drink last night sometime after he got back from watching our Uncle Dennis drag race at the fair grounds (the lucky kid got to ride with him when he was racing!). A bunch of people joined us over at the grandparents', like Dave's friend Ryan aka the Other Brother (I call him that because he's over here so much he might as well live here), Ryan's mom and aunt, and Jay. After all the present opening and eating, I headed off with Jay to his place to watch I Know What You Did Last Summer, which I'd borrowed from the library. I hung out there for a few hours and then Jay dropped me off so he could get some sleep before his third-shift job. I could feel the "crazy" vibes as soon as I entered the house, and knew that things would be silly and wacky. I pulled out my iPod dock, plugged in my Nano and hit "shuffle" then started dancing. Before I knew it, I'd put on sunglasses, a tiara on my head, and the silk scarf from my eighth-grade graduation dress and was dancing around the room, not having touched a drop of liquor in hours. I'd taken off the weird stuff by the time I found Dave who was so drunk he was staggering (he'd had 10 shots of Jager Bombs) and I told him what I'd been wearing and doing and he said, "You're awesome- and I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm drunk." I said, "It's a special talent- Aspie weirdness!" It's true- I just come up with wacky ideas without even trying. I know that half the people who will read this won't believe I wasn't smashed, but if you know me you'll know that I don't need any chemical aid to be totally zany and off-the-wall. For a moment I was even contemplating adding my gold-plated rose held between my teeth to the ensemble, but then worried about scratching the gilding or something so I nixed it. Dave's probably back downstairs playing Quarters with Tim; all I know is I hear loud music coming up through the vent. It's weird how different Dave and I's 21st birthdays were/have been. Mine was very sedate with one outing to Grizzly's where I had one shot and a Sex on the Beach and one Raspberry Smirnoff Twisted earlier in the afternoon and Dave's going whole hog. I wonder how late he'll be up tonight? I guess he didn't crash until like 5 this morning- I'll probably wind up catching the energy buzz secondhand and staying up late as well. It's not as if loud music keeps me up, but sometimes I get this weird second wind around 11 or so at night and am too hyper to sleep. It's a good thing I have the next four days off; a lot of the residents at work are at Badger Camp so on-campus staff have been reduced. So it's okay if I don't crash until 3 or so and can sleep in. I guess Eris rules the day (the goddess of chaos and discord; I forget from what culture), so here's to whatever may come!

Hand of Sorrow

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:12:23 GMT

You Are Highly Authentic

You're as real as they come... and quite modest too.
You are very self-assured, and you have a healthy amount of self-esteem.

You feel confident that you can take on the world.
You are have a great sense of humor, especially when it comes to laughing at yourself.

The Watercolor Test

I'm feeling really ADD and nervous right now. Apparently my brother is still telling Mom how he wants to kill himself and now Mom's starting to act like Dave; it's like living in a house of the living dead. No wonder I practically never want to be at home. Mom says she can't pray anymore (not that she's lost faith in God, she says, she's just too mentally exhausted) and that sometimes she thinks of killing herself; she doesn't have the energy to do anything like visit friends or even call them and keeps wandering around the house because she just can't sit still she's so worked up. Dammit! Why do I always have to be the stable one in the fucking family?! Even being an Aspie I think I'm more emotionally together than everyone else. The poison that is Dave has infected Mom, but he won't infect me- I refuse to succumb to depression or despair. It's soooo peachy hearing your mom say that if either you or your brother died she'd lose it and/or kill herself. I'm hungry and panicky but I just couldn't stay at home much longer so I took a bus downtown to the library- I dunno what I want to do next. Wish Jay was up and I was with him so I'd have someone who isn't part of the zombie plague to vent to/talk with. I'm like Alice from Resident Evil or something; I'm the only living person left in my house.

L-Crouches and Other Funny Things

Sun, 24 May 2009 17:23:04 GMT

You Are Snow

You are peaceful and calm. You are able to enjoy each moment.
You have a pure, gentle spirit. People automatically trust you.

You have a playful, adventurous spirit. You still feel like a kid.
You are able to find the joy in any situation. You are blissful.

Are You Rain or Snow?

I've been in a very good mood today. I got to see Jay last night and after he left, I spent some time amusing myself by attempting to crouch on the floor like L from Death Note. Trust me, it's nowhere as easy at it looks! My best time was something like 52 secs before crashing on my butt- thank Goddess I've gained bit of weight and therefore actually have some padding now on my previously boney posterior! It's a rather silly goal, but I really do want to master this skill, precisely because it takes such particular balance and precision. Shift your weight too far forward or backwards, and over you go!

I woke up about 11, got dressed, and headed off to Kwik Trip to get some cigarettes for Mom (why the hell can't she ever get them herself?) and then spent the afternoon (until a few minutes ago of course, when I logged on here) sunning in the yard while reading a book and listening my mom's cd of the Carpenters; I have no idea why I felt so nostalgic for that cd, but she used to play it a lot when I was younger and I guess there's some fond memories there. I really should see if there is some sunscreen about- I burn so easily especially if I spend any sustained amount of time outdoors. Jay says he's coming about 4 when he wakes up (he works third shift) and so of course I'm looking forward to his visit.

I'm beginning to wonder whether it was a mistake giving Toni my number- she invited me via MySpace to come bowling with her and her friend Sarah (ack! not Sarah!). I still remember the pair of them from high school; Toni was okay but Sarah was one of those "friends-by-proxy" as I call them, the ones who are only in your social circle because they're friends with one of your friends, not that you are actually THEIR friend. Oh, and Justin is trying to get in touch with me again on MySpace- I never even knew he had an account on there and he wrote me saying that I didn't have to stop talking to him "because of what happened" (I used to hang out with him when Jay and I were broken up for awhile, but he was so cautious and such a "goody-two-shoes" that he bored me so I basically ceased all contact with him). That's the last thing I need- another headache of a former friend. I'm soo blocking him on MySpace, and perhaps Toni too; maybe it's the coward's way out, but I just can't deal with people I frankly don't care for. After Toni sent me that comment asking me why I'd sent her a Screaming Orgasm (a drink on a virtual drinking game app on MySpace called Cheers!) then she's too tame for me. Hey, I'm risque, and if you don't like it that way, don't bother hanging around me even in cyberspace. Some people are so dull.

I Can't Believe He Sent Me That!

Mon, 04 May 2009 11:34:22 GMT

L Pet by ~musk-parfait on deviant ART

You Are a Doer

You are primarily concerned with what is actual. You tend to be a practical person.
You love to stay busy, and you are always immersed in projects.

You are in touch with your senses, and you enjoy indulging them. You're likely a crafter of some sort.
You crave different sensations in life, whether it's working with your hands, playing sports, or eating your favorite meal.

Are You a Dreamer or a Doer?

I was very annoyed with an email I received from my grandpa. It seemed like an innocent enough title, something cute like "2 roosters, 2 bulls, etc." I though, "Oh, animals; this oughta be cute." Little did I know the video was really a song about a farmer who saw a wedding celebration for two gay men on tv and sent them an email inviting them to his farm where they would not see two same-sex animals attempting to reproduce or any such thing. "Two roosters can't make an egg, " he sang, "two mares can't make a foal." Well, that's all well and good for a farm; animals' main drive is after all, to reproduce more of their kind. But people don't need to reproduce, they choose to. Of course, some obviously need to for the continuation of our species, but it's the sole basis for reproduction. If it was, straight couples would either just keep popping out babies without marriage or head straight to the altar once they found the person whose genes would be the most compatible with theirs and then start in reproducing ASAP. We are not animals- we have emotions, we love, we choose our significant others not just for their genetic fitness but because we love their personalities and other traits about them. Please, whoever wrote that aweful song, do not reduce people to the level of biological drives and dictates.

Healing Service and Other Stuff

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 01:52:01 GMT

You Are Dusk

You are a naturally idealistic and creative person. You look forward to nights where everything is possible.
You spend most of your energy on play. Work is okay, but the true you emerges after the work day is done.

You're an offbeat type that doesn't like rules or schedules. Life's too short to waste at a desk in a cube.
Whether you spend your night socializing or working on side projects, you like that your time is yours.

Are You Dusk or Dawn?

After Jay left this evening, I was in a pretty blah mood. I was thinking about chatting with Mello, but then Dave mentioned that he was going to this service Mom had helped organize for sexual assault victims that I had completely put out of my mind, because I thought that it would have nothing to do with me (completely irrelevant, not my religion, etc.). He said he was going because it was Mom's thing and he wanted to support her, so, completely guilted, I agreed to go along. It turned out to be really cool after all, and not irrelevant after all (I had been emotionally abused by exes); they didn't even harp the Christian angle too much and when they did mention "God" I just mentally changed it to "Goddess." A lot of it I could work with because it reminded me of pagan rituals and/or ways of casting spells (lighting candles, burning pieces of paper on which we had written our "hurts") so it wasn't the disaster I had thought it would be. I also ran into Toni, a girl I went to high school with; I didn't even recognize her until I apologized for being terrible with names and asked hers. She was at least a few years ahead of me, but I remembered her once she told me her name. I sent her an invite to friend me on Myspace- all that's left to do is wait for her response. It was kinda weird, like Goddess meant for me to run into her. We were standing in line for some little refreshments like brownies and fruit and stuff when I just thought that this woman looked interesting and struck up a convo with her. We talked about our various problems, like her multiple brain surgeries and my Asperger's Syndrome, and I even found out that she had worked where I do but she was there before it moved to its current location- talk about coincidences! Anyhoo, maybe I made a friend- who knows? I don't think anything happens "by accident,"; I think there's a reason behind everything, whether you think the guiding force is Fate, God, the Goddess, or what have you.

Magick and The Matrix

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 02:01:39 GMT

You Are Pause

Compared to most people, you are reflective and thoughtful.
You're always willing to take a break and digest everything that's happened.

You are patient with life. You are happy to sit back and let things unfold.
You're not in a hurry. You're content to take things at someone else's pace.

What Remote Button Are You?

After watching The Matrix for the first time, I had an incredible insight: Neo's initiation into the reality that exists beyond the Matrix with the help of Morpheus reminded me of an initiation into magick or a pagan religion. Quite a few people seem content to go about with blinders on, wanting scientific explanations for everything and refusing to believe that there is anything that cannot be explained by visible or rational means. Neo's refusal to accept physical limits and learning that he is indeed the One is analagous to a Wiccan ending a spell with "So mote it be." "So must it be" and "Because I will it it will come to pass" (plain-language translations of "so mote it be") are refusals to accept "reality" and an invitation into a life lived without limitations; instead of saying to myself, "I can't run fast; I'm a former asthmatic," I've learned to say to myself, "I can run as fast as I need to; no limits" when I have to retrieve a child who has vacated from the house while I'm at work. I declare a thing to be so, and it is. I know that because I am a daughter of the Goddess, I have all the power I need within me to change what is supposedly unchangeable, to face that which frightens many. With Neo I say, "I make my own reality, and no one can take that away from me."

Yaoi Woes on IMVU

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:33:14 GMT

You Are Riding Boots

You are very sophisticated. You have refined tastes, and you don't fall for cheesy trends.
You are naturally chic and stylish. You can pull together a great look in no time flat.

You don't need a lot of flash or bling in your life. You prefer the glamour of the understated.
You treasure wisdom. You are attracted to ideas and things that have stood the test of time.

What Kind of Boots Are You?

Ugh, I'm so frustrated with the yaoi community on IMVU. Don't get me wrong; there's lots of great people. But the only problem is that it seems to consist mostly of gay and bi guys, not many straight female fans like myself, so I guess I feel kinda "left out," especially when they start having their avvies make out in front of me and stuff. Don't get me wrong; I have no problem with bi or gay men, it's just that sometimes they make me feel that yaoi is THEIR province and theirs only, when the intended audience (especially for yaoi manga) is STRAIGHT WOMEN. Shelly, you and MelloMisaki are the only two yaoi lovers on IMVU who keep me sane, really. I seriously think more straight chicks who are into yaoi should join IMVU. Then I wouldn't feel like a member of an endangered species or something.

Are you or anyone you know "stuck in the past"?

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 17:22:52 GMT

You Should Light a Green Tea Candle

You are calm yet energetic. You take good care of yourself, and you have a lot of endurance.
Like most people, you have a hectic life. But unlike others, you try to have as many moments of peace as possible.

You're the type of person who's witty and insightful. You're secure with yourself, and you often have a hilarious take on life.
You are expressive and apt to talk quite a bit. However, you're able to kick back and listen too.

What Scent Candle Should You Light?

I know that I am. Every day, I have to fight the past and its demons that want to drag me back down to the hell of depression. I have to keep reminding myself that Jay is nothing like my exes; although my logical mind knows it, there's always the niggling voice that keeps saying things like, "But that's what you thought about them, too! That they were different, each one of them!" I thank Goddess that Jay is so patient with me and knows that even a year of being with him cannot yet undo the years of damage suffered in abusive relationships. I believe him, I trust him, I really do, yet it seems like the demons of my past keep trying to prevent me from living in the now and being free and happy.

My ear problems and their attendent worries don't help either; there isn't a day that goes by that I don't fear the possible loss of my hearing, despite Jay's reassurances that that likely won't happen. Is some part of me so sick that it thrives on wanting things to be as horrible as possible or at least imagining them to be so? Goddess forbid! It's 1:15 and I'm already bored. Bored and broke. The tinnitis in my ears keeps distracting me, a constant, high-pitched whine. I shake my head constantly, like a bridled horse that is anxious and restive, trying to be free of the bridle. A finger goes in one ear, futilely trying to remove whatever impediment there is to the complete restoration of my hearing. More head-shaking. The time seems to pass like molasses, minutes feeling like hours. If it wasn't so cold, I'd go outside and get some sun to ease my moroseness. I feel terrible for maybe frightening a friend last night on IMVU; when will I learn to behave socially acceptably, even online? I was only being playful, but maybe she didn't see it that way. I sent her a message of apology along with a gift; I just have to wait for a reply I imagine. It's in her hands now.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Super Happiness

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:25:44 GMT

You Are a Chocolate Cupcake

You are deep, richly interesting, and at times overpowering. You have a strong personality.
You are drawn to people who adore you. You love it when your specialness is recognized.

You are like a cupcake because it's hard for people to get enough of you.
You have a mysterious charm that makes you incredibly addicting. People are drawn to your drama.

What Flavor Cupcake Are You?

I'm really happy to announce that Jay's gotten a job where I work! Different shift, but it's still cool knowing that now he'll know the kids I tell him stories about and stuff. I'm so proud of him and happy that he's found a job, one that he feels will be meaningful. I hope it comes to bring him as much of a sense of purpose as it does for me. Sorry it's been so long since my last entry- I've gotten so preoccupied with yaoi and such that sometimes I forget to update on here, lol! I'm also on a Dir En Grey kick (thanks, Shelly! ) and I'm really loving "Kasumi" right now, although I don't have Vulgar yet- seems like you can't find it for cheaper than $35, even used, when it comes to shopping online. I watch the video online.

Well I finally got the call from my doctor recommending me several doctors at the other health care system in town- I have to switch 'cause of of my insurance. I thought they covered Gundersen but to a lesser degree than the Franciscan Skemp system, but it turns out that's only the case for people who got on the insurance up until three years ago- they still have the choice but anyone from then on HAS to go to Franciscan Skemp (i.e., me). Now I just have to choose one and get an appointment- I'm going to do it soon because my ears are getting worse in some ways that alarm me. I've started to get an almost constant ringing in my ears, and I'm not sure if it's because of pressure on my eardrum or something or because I've started turning my music up to compensate for the loss of volume that the excess fluid (that's what the last doctor in the walk-in clinic told me it likely was) causes. I feel like an idiot, constantly going, "What?" or "I'm sorry, I'm having issues with my ears, could you repeat that?" I imagine it's how older people who are hard of hearing must feel. Maybe Goddess let this happen so I'd empathize more with my grandpa who has hearing aids; I admit that while I love him, I do get impatient sometimes with having to repeat myself.

Our furnace is broken- or maybe it's fixed now. I know Mom called Grandpa and I think I heard another man talking outside my room (probably a repairman). I guess that's why it's been colder than usual (there's your explanation, Jay)- not that it's ever warm in the house except in rare instances in the summer. It doesn't help that the house is brick and Mom has the crazy idea that room temperature is somewhere in the low to mid 50's. That's probably why my parakeet died close to a year ago- I think it froze to death.

I pretty much know how I'm going to end the yaoi I've been working on and am already making plans for another one- I just don't know how I'm going to wrap up this one or what to call it. I mean, I know how I want it to end but I'm not sure how to get there. The next one is going to be more futuristic, with a cyberpunk feel. I thought that's what this one would be, but the story took me in a different direction. It's like it writes itself in a way, instead of me writing it. You can start out going, "Okay, this is who my characters are, what they're like, and what's going to happen to them, " and by the time you hit the finish line you wind up with a whole other animal sometimes. I'm sure you other writers out there know what I mean. This will be the first time I've actually finished a story in a few years- seems like until now I'd get ideas, then I'd get writer's block, hit a dead end, and wind up just tossing the whole thing in the trash. Here's to finishing a story, hopefully in the near future!