Yeah, I've kinda been on hiatus for awhile, following some internal and external conflicts which I think are on their way to being resolved. I'm starting to learn that as much as I like my solitude and adore the internet, I shouldn't let it wall me off from the rest of my family, and that I ought to make more of an effort to reach out to them. I'd like to maybe have a friend or two in real life, not just online. I'm battling an RP addiction, and was not on IMVU for two nights and contrary to what my subconscious was screaming at me, Epicene didn't even comment when I logged on last night for a session. I have to stop worrying so much about offending people I don't know well (not that I should be horrible to them, but I'm sure you know what I mean) and start worrying more about staying grounded and more in reality with my family and sweetheart. It's true that I generally have my head in the clouds and am always imagining, thinking, and philosophizing, but I can still stay in touch with the rest of the world. I think I've been experiencing such stagnation lately because my subconscious is telling me it's time to move on with my life, get a place with Jay, and start to live more like an adult. That, however, is not currently possible (trying to save up money and such), so I think that's why I've been turning to fantasy and RP; it's a means to make me feel I'm progressing at something, while reality is frustrating. Wow, I'm really turning into an armchair psychologist here!  Wish me luck on my endeavors!

 

It's Dave's 21st birthday today and things are heating up and getting crazy. The day started off pretty sedately heading to Grandma and Grandpa's where we ate cake and pizza- Dave had already had his first legal drink last night sometime after he got back from watching our Uncle Dennis drag race at the fair grounds (the lucky kid got to ride with him when he was racing!). A bunch of people joined us over at the grandparents', like Dave's friend Ryan aka the Other Brother (I call him that because he's over here so much he might as well live here), Ryan's mom and aunt, and Jay. After all the present opening and eating, I headed off with Jay to his place to watch I Know What You Did Last Summer, which I'd borrowed from the library. I hung out there for a few hours and then Jay dropped me off so he could get some sleep before his third-shift job. I could feel the "crazy" vibes as soon as I entered the house, and knew that things would be silly and wacky. I pulled out my iPod dock, plugged in my Nano and hit "shuffle" then started dancing. Before I knew it, I'd put on sunglasses, a tiara on my head, and the silk scarf from my eighth-grade graduation dress and was dancing around the room, not having touched a drop of liquor in hours. I'd taken off the weird stuff by the time I found Dave who was so drunk he was staggering (he'd had 10 shots of Jager Bombs) and I told him what I'd been wearing and doing and he said, "You're awesome- and I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm drunk." I said, "It's a special talent- Aspie weirdness!" It's true- I just come up with wacky ideas without even trying. I know that half the people who will read this won't believe I wasn't smashed, but if you know me you'll know that I don't need any chemical aid to be totally zany and off-the-wall. For a moment I was even contemplating adding my gold-plated rose held between my teeth to the ensemble, but then worried about scratching the gilding or something so I nixed it. Dave's probably back downstairs playing Quarters with Tim; all I know is I hear loud music coming up through the vent. It's weird how different Dave and I's 21st birthdays were/have been. Mine was very sedate with one outing to Grizzly's where I had one shot and a Sex on the Beach and one Raspberry Smirnoff Twisted earlier in the afternoon and Dave's going whole hog. I wonder how late he'll be up tonight? I guess he didn't crash until like 5 this morning- I'll probably wind up catching the energy buzz secondhand and staying up late as well. It's not as if loud music keeps me up, but sometimes I get this weird second wind around 11 or so at night and am too hyper to sleep. It's a good thing I have the next four days off; a lot of the residents at work are at Badger Camp so on-campus staff have been reduced. So it's okay if I don't crash until 3 or so and can sleep in. I guess Eris rules the day (the goddess of chaos and discord; I forget from what culture), so here's to whatever may come!

 

I'm feeling really ADD and nervous right now. Apparently my brother is still telling Mom how he wants to kill himself and now Mom's starting to act like Dave; it's like living in a house of the living dead. No wonder I practically never want to be at home. Mom says she can't pray anymore (not that she's lost faith in God, she says, she's just too mentally exhausted) and that sometimes she thinks of killing herself; she doesn't have the energy to do anything like visit friends or even call them and keeps wandering around the house because she just can't sit still she's so worked up. Dammit! Why do I always have to be the stable one in the fucking family?! Even being an Aspie I think I'm more emotionally together than everyone else. The poison that is Dave has infected Mom, but he won't infect me- I refuse to succumb to depression or despair. It's soooo peachy hearing your mom say that if either you or your brother died she'd lose it and/or kill herself. I'm hungry and panicky but I just couldn't stay at home much longer so I took a bus downtown to the library- I dunno what I want to do next. Wish Jay was up and I was with him so I'd have someone who isn't part of the zombie plague to vent to/talk with. I'm like Alice from Resident Evil or something; I'm the only living person left in my house.

 

 

I've been in a very good mood today. I got to see Jay last night and after he left, I spent some time amusing myself by attempting to crouch on the floor like L from Death Note. Trust me, it's nowhere as easy at it looks! My best time was something like 52 secs before crashing on my butt- thank Goddess I've gained bit of weight and therefore actually have some padding now on my previously boney posterior! It's a rather silly goal, but I really do want to master this skill, precisely because it takes such particular balance and precision. Shift your weight too far forward or backwards, and over you go!

 

I woke up about 11, got dressed, and headed off to Kwik Trip to get some cigarettes for Mom (why the hell can't she ever get them herself?) and then spent the afternoon (until a few minutes ago of course, when I logged on here) sunning in the yard while reading a book and listening my mom's cd of the Carpenters; I have no idea why I felt so nostalgic for that cd, but she used to play it a lot when I was younger and I guess there's some fond memories there. I really should see if there is some sunscreen about- I burn so easily especially if I spend any sustained amount of time outdoors. Jay says he's coming about 4 when he wakes up (he works third shift) and so of course I'm looking forward to his visit.

 

I'm beginning to wonder whether it was a mistake giving Toni my number- she invited me via MySpace to come bowling with her and her friend Sarah (ack! not Sarah!). I still remember the pair of them from high school; Toni was okay but Sarah was one of those "friends-by-proxy" as I call them, the ones who are only in your social circle because they're friends with one of your friends, not that you are actually THEIR friend. Oh, and Justin is trying to get in touch with me again on MySpace- I never even knew he had an account on there and he wrote me saying that I didn't have to stop talking to him "because of what happened" (I used to hang out with him when Jay and I were broken up for awhile, but he was so cautious and such a "goody-two-shoes" that he bored me so I basically ceased all contact with him). That's the last thing I need- another headache of a former friend. I'm soo blocking him on MySpace, and perhaps Toni too; maybe it's the coward's way out, but I just can't deal with people I frankly don't care for. After Toni sent me that comment asking me why I'd sent her a Screaming Orgasm (a drink on a virtual drinking game app on MySpace called Cheers!) then she's too tame for me. Hey, I'm risque, and if you don't like it that way, don't bother hanging around me even in cyberspace. Some people are so dull.

 

I was very annoyed with an email I received from my grandpa. It seemed like an innocent enough title, something cute like "2 roosters, 2 bulls, etc." I though, "Oh, animals; this oughta be cute." Little did I know the video was really a song about a farmer who saw a wedding celebration for two gay men on tv and sent them an email inviting them to his farm where they would not see two same-sex animals attempting to reproduce or any such thing. "Two roosters can't make an egg, " he sang, "two mares can't make a foal." Well, that's all well and good for a farm; animals' main drive is after all, to reproduce more of their kind. But people don't need to reproduce, they choose to. Of course, some obviously need to for the continuation of our species, but it's the sole basis for reproduction. If it was, straight couples would either just keep popping out babies without marriage or head straight to the altar once they found the person whose genes would be the most compatible with theirs and then start in reproducing ASAP. We are not animals- we have emotions, we love, we choose our significant others not just for their genetic fitness but because we love their personalities and other traits about them. Please, whoever wrote that aweful song, do not reduce people to the level of biological drives and dictates.