Today Mom and I cleaned up the basement, especially my library. Dave has been messing it up and littering it with cigarette butts, ashes, change, and all sorts of filth. We rearranged things, put the carpet back that had been removed due to some flooding in the basement (the sections of carpet that were salvageable, that is), and tried to make it a welcoming place again, not a place of depression and hopelessness. I was startled when Mom actually asked me to help cleanse the area! She brought down some holy water of hers and actually asked me to do whatever it is that I do, so I got out my box of ritual supplies and got some bloodroot to sprinkle around the library. Bloodroot, for those of you not into magick, is an herb that is protective and good against negativity. I thought it was the perfect thing. I never imagined that Mom would ask me to help her in that way; I suppose she must be at the end of her rope to ask for a witch's help, when she would normally call everything I do Satanic when that isn't the case at all. It's amazing how much working together like that for a common goal can do, even with someone of a different religion. I feel as if she and I are growing closer in our own way. There may be things we still disagree on, but at least we are coming together on some point.

 

Today is just one of those days- I don't know why- where I feel like the world is falling apart. Nothing has occurred today that would make this feeling rational or even explainable. I mean, I got up, took a shower, got dressed, did my chores, watched a disc and a half of Elfen Lied, and read a bit of a rather philosophical fiction novel called Genesis which purported to explore the meaning of what it is to be human. That's it; it must have been Genesis that did it, made me feel as if the floor had dropped out from under me and I was falling, made me feel as if I was going insane, as if I needed to flee the house for the comfort of the public library. I'll go on to Jay's, of course, but the next bus isn't for awhile and...I dunno. I guess I'm feeling that no one really cares what I say on here anyway. Why should I care? I imagine it's a human thing, to seek external validation, and, in this day and age, especially in the public forum of the World Wide Web. Perhaps I was right all along in dubbing myself "faulty," like a computer whose programming is incorrect. Or maybe I am just a human being wishing I was more; what that "more" would be, though, I can't decide. A demigoddess? Some sort of supernatural creature? I wish I knew how many more people out there there really are that think as deeply as Jay and I do, that are given to a philosophical bent. Aside from him, quite often I feel alone, as if I am one of the few remaining examples of a nearly extinct species. Perhaps I should stop with this line of thinking. Perhaps it is my thinking that dooms me to revisit a sense of misery and hopelessness, what I have come to call "the philosopher's curse." I think too much, too deeply, and then I start to come apart emotionally, which surely proves how fragile my Aspie psyche truly is. How defective of me.

 

Yeah, I've kinda been on hiatus for awhile, following some internal and external conflicts which I think are on their way to being resolved. I'm starting to learn that as much as I like my solitude and adore the internet, I shouldn't let it wall me off from the rest of my family, and that I ought to make more of an effort to reach out to them. I'd like to maybe have a friend or two in real life, not just online. I'm battling an RP addiction, and was not on IMVU for two nights and contrary to what my subconscious was screaming at me, Epicene didn't even comment when I logged on last night for a session. I have to stop worrying so much about offending people I don't know well (not that I should be horrible to them, but I'm sure you know what I mean) and start worrying more about staying grounded and more in reality with my family and sweetheart. It's true that I generally have my head in the clouds and am always imagining, thinking, and philosophizing, but I can still stay in touch with the rest of the world. I think I've been experiencing such stagnation lately because my subconscious is telling me it's time to move on with my life, get a place with Jay, and start to live more like an adult. That, however, is not currently possible (trying to save up money and such), so I think that's why I've been turning to fantasy and RP; it's a means to make me feel I'm progressing at something, while reality is frustrating. Wow, I'm really turning into an armchair psychologist here!  Wish me luck on my endeavors!

 

It's Dave's 21st birthday today and things are heating up and getting crazy. The day started off pretty sedately heading to Grandma and Grandpa's where we ate cake and pizza- Dave had already had his first legal drink last night sometime after he got back from watching our Uncle Dennis drag race at the fair grounds (the lucky kid got to ride with him when he was racing!). A bunch of people joined us over at the grandparents', like Dave's friend Ryan aka the Other Brother (I call him that because he's over here so much he might as well live here), Ryan's mom and aunt, and Jay. After all the present opening and eating, I headed off with Jay to his place to watch I Know What You Did Last Summer, which I'd borrowed from the library. I hung out there for a few hours and then Jay dropped me off so he could get some sleep before his third-shift job. I could feel the "crazy" vibes as soon as I entered the house, and knew that things would be silly and wacky. I pulled out my iPod dock, plugged in my Nano and hit "shuffle" then started dancing. Before I knew it, I'd put on sunglasses, a tiara on my head, and the silk scarf from my eighth-grade graduation dress and was dancing around the room, not having touched a drop of liquor in hours. I'd taken off the weird stuff by the time I found Dave who was so drunk he was staggering (he'd had 10 shots of Jager Bombs) and I told him what I'd been wearing and doing and he said, "You're awesome- and I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm drunk." I said, "It's a special talent- Aspie weirdness!" It's true- I just come up with wacky ideas without even trying. I know that half the people who will read this won't believe I wasn't smashed, but if you know me you'll know that I don't need any chemical aid to be totally zany and off-the-wall. For a moment I was even contemplating adding my gold-plated rose held between my teeth to the ensemble, but then worried about scratching the gilding or something so I nixed it. Dave's probably back downstairs playing Quarters with Tim; all I know is I hear loud music coming up through the vent. It's weird how different Dave and I's 21st birthdays were/have been. Mine was very sedate with one outing to Grizzly's where I had one shot and a Sex on the Beach and one Raspberry Smirnoff Twisted earlier in the afternoon and Dave's going whole hog. I wonder how late he'll be up tonight? I guess he didn't crash until like 5 this morning- I'll probably wind up catching the energy buzz secondhand and staying up late as well. It's not as if loud music keeps me up, but sometimes I get this weird second wind around 11 or so at night and am too hyper to sleep. It's a good thing I have the next four days off; a lot of the residents at work are at Badger Camp so on-campus staff have been reduced. So it's okay if I don't crash until 3 or so and can sleep in. I guess Eris rules the day (the goddess of chaos and discord; I forget from what culture), so here's to whatever may come!

 

I'm feeling really ADD and nervous right now. Apparently my brother is still telling Mom how he wants to kill himself and now Mom's starting to act like Dave; it's like living in a house of the living dead. No wonder I practically never want to be at home. Mom says she can't pray anymore (not that she's lost faith in God, she says, she's just too mentally exhausted) and that sometimes she thinks of killing herself; she doesn't have the energy to do anything like visit friends or even call them and keeps wandering around the house because she just can't sit still she's so worked up. Dammit! Why do I always have to be the stable one in the fucking family?! Even being an Aspie I think I'm more emotionally together than everyone else. The poison that is Dave has infected Mom, but he won't infect me- I refuse to succumb to depression or despair. It's soooo peachy hearing your mom say that if either you or your brother died she'd lose it and/or kill herself. I'm hungry and panicky but I just couldn't stay at home much longer so I took a bus downtown to the library- I dunno what I want to do next. Wish Jay was up and I was with him so I'd have someone who isn't part of the zombie plague to vent to/talk with. I'm like Alice from Resident Evil or something; I'm the only living person left in my house.